A Time to Mourn

If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll probably cry.  If you give me a hug, I’ll probably cry.  If you tell me you care, squeeze my hand, or catch my eye, I’ll probably cry.  And, you know what?  That’s okay.

All my life I’ve been the strong one, the responsible oldest sister, the one who makes things happen.  No one ever called me the sensitive or tender hearted one.  I built up a thick protection, hiding all pain and sorrow in little compartments to be kept hidden unless I was alone.  To me pain was private and personal, not to be shared, not open for public viewing.

Then God gave and God took away.  First sweet five month old Meggie, and then bubbly eight month old Jenna.  Where I once sat and rocked two tiny babies, I now sit and hold two little outfits, outfits that I press to my face vainly trying to recapture that precious baby scent.

When we lost Meg, I avoided anyone who wasn’t family.   I would leave a room quickly to avoid having my tears be seen.  I carefully avoided places where I would feel vulnerable.  We didn’t attend church for a month.  We lost Jenn four days ago.  Today, I sat in church with a weeping son huddled under each arm, and I wept, and beside us my mom wept.  And it was okay.

Because, as the Bible says, there is a time to mourn.  Hiding my grief from others does not lessen it.  But, grieving in my community of friends, of brothers and sisters, of fellow believers brings a comfort of its own.  A comfort that comes from allowing myself to be vulnerable by sharing my burden with His children.

An element of Christ’s walk on earth was his suffering.  He wept, and mourned and bled.  He suffered loss.   I’m blessed that in my suffering I become more like Him.  I never truly understood grief before.  In allowing me to grieve now  He is growing empathy and understanding in me.  He is changing me and shaping me so that I will become more the person that He intends me to be.  So, in the midst of pain, and sorrow and loss, I can still rejoice that God counts me worthy to be challenged in this way, and that He is guiding me and carrying me each step as He promised that He would.